Never eat questionable turkey [Open]

It was another day and another false lead to a great scam that will help Aki pay for another too-fast car that will probably end up in someone's living room, depending on the situation. Instead he walked into the diner that looks like the roof was about to slump into the kitchen and who the hell knows when was the last health inspection. But hell, it's not like Aki looked any better, dressed in torn jeans, shirt clinging onto his body, and hair over his eyes.

Should've thought twice before walking in the rain without an umbrella. Should've reconsidered how many car alarms he can set off down a residential area at two in the morning. Mums are scary.

But that's why he's sitting there, poking at a piece of turkey that poked back. He was sure this was not how a turkey club was suppose to be in ANY location of the world. But he kept poking at it. Because there was no more salt containers for him to unscrew. Or pepper containers for that matter. Nor the simple labels on condiments that he relabeled.

Nothing left to do but poke the turkey that poked back.

If the stools were not screwed down, he'll place them on the counter. Or upside down. With a sigh, Aki scooped up the turkey and made his way to the kitchen.

He hadn't cooked in a while.

Poof!

So appears Inaba on Aki's left shoulder, wings all a-flutter and his dazzling smile in place.

"Good afternoon Aki-kun! How are you doing today?"

In mid-greet the shoulder angel took a sneak peak over to the right side. Someone was sleeping on the job again. Very good. Inaba's smile became even brighter.

"Are we cooking for someone? Someone less fortunate? Of course we are!"

Poof!

Aki was still holding on to the pokey turkey, easily ignoring the bright light on his left shoulder.

"....It's definitely for someone less fortunate."

It wasn't uncommon to have Koshi come and visit, might've been part of the pact he supposedly made with the devil. The cook was probably out smoking or something, since no one was stopping him.

He wasn't lying when he turned the stove gas past "high" to "this can't be safe for anyone", then turned the plate upside down on it. The pokey turkey seemed to have poked back.

"How are you today, Koshi?"

Aki threw things around trying to find something to season the turkey proper as it was sizzling on the stove. He found mayonnaise, ketcup, mustard, and pepper. It was the best he could do for now, so he did what a normal cook would do:

Emptied all of it on top of the burning turkey.

"That should be enough...but it might need more of a kick...."

Stare.

The amount of stuff going into that poor dead bird looked rather appalling.

"Uh…Aki-kun, I'm not so sure if you should-"

GLOP.

"I think that's a little too-"

BLOOP.

"……I'm going to be sick."

As if dead bird wasn't bad enough. Now it smelled like a devil's ass. No offence.

"…Aki-kun, there's a lot of smoke coming from your cooking. Is that supposed to be there?"

Aki stopped for a moment and stared at the pile of stuff on the stove then looked up at the fire alarm. It hasn't gone off yet.

"Nah, I think it's fine. If only we had something more...."

He went to shuffle through more things, dropping plates on the floor in a loud crash and turning things on their sides until he found the chili.

"...I think it needs a bit of a kick to it."

Then poured the entire container onto the gloop.

"It's almost done. Then I'll..."

(._____.);;;;

He looked at the broken plates on the ground and then stopped to look around. He found a cup he hasn't broken.

"Put it in a cup."

And with the first scoop, it bubbled a bit and popped to a scent that could probably kill the devil.

M-more?! All the mixed sauces were turning into a bad shade of brown. The turkey was charred and-GLOOP.

"I don't think this is meant to be served, Aki-kun."

Inaba was starting to cold sweat. It was nice to see the young man have good intentions for once, but that stuff might just lead to a nuke in the bathroom. He wasn't sure how the upper-ups calculated this sort of thing. Plus two points for a good try, minus three for bad results?

God help us all

"Aki-kun…I don't think anyone eats turkey from a cup."

He made a mental note to pray for the poor bird later. Inaba swallowed heavily as he caught a whiff of the concoction, and he clung onto Aki's neck for dear life, feathers all a-tremble.

Someone had to have tons of courage to be eating that kind of thing. There were footsteps approaching the kitchen.

"Aki-kun, the cook's coming back. You should thank him for lending you the use of his nice clean kitchen."

Blop, blop, blop.

Aki finished scooping all of his fine cooking into a cup. He looked at it. "...Good idea, I know exactly how I want to thank him."

He smiled cheerfully as he grabbed a spoon and a knife to find the cook.

"I hope he likes it!"

And before he even gets to the door, he saw the chocolate syrup. Who doesn't like chocolate? It might evne help with the stench!

Aki quickly pumped a few pump of chocolate on top before tearing the door open to the cook, who looked a little bit bewildered.

"...I made this for you." He smiled sweetly, "To thank you for letting me use the kitchen." Not allowing the man to refuse, Aki shoved the entire spoon full of....that thing into the cook's mouth.

"Tasty, ne?" <3

For some reason Inaba knew this was going to be bad. He instinctively covered his face with both hands.

After a bit of choking, spluttering and raving, the cook seemed pretty ok. Thank God.

"Um, Aki-kun, maybe next time we should stick to tried and true recipes…"

He wasn't much of a cook himself but he knew chocolate and mayo and turkey just didn't…no. Just no.

No need shoulder devils for this one to fail. No siree.

"I think we should go before the cook decides he doesn't want you in the restaurant."

That was a very nice and subtle way of putting being booted straight out.

Aki stared at the man that seems to be hacking up a lung, he never saw someone hack up a lung before. But once again, it didn't happened. Sigh. Too bad.

"...Um good idea. I think I forgot to turn off the stove."

As if on cue, the fire alarm went off and he took a breather at the noise breaking out before common sense took over.

"Better run. See you next time, Mr. Cook. I liked your pokey turkey!"

Off Aki jogged out of the back of the diner.

"Next time, maybe I should skip the mayo and just put in maple syrup. I heard there is an entire country made of the stuff."

It must be good.

"That's Canada and that's not true and you know it Aki-kun."

It was a rule amongst the shoulder people, only things their mortal ward is aware of can be said. Inaba sighed as he felt a headache coming in. Hopefully his other pieces are faring better than he was. At the rate Aki was running, he had to cling onto the young man's neck in fear of losing up.

"You should send them an apology card, and some money for damages. Are you broke again, Aki-kun? You couldn't pay for that poor turkey right?"

Double sigh.

"You need to find a good job and stick to it."

"Ehh...maybe I forgot?" There's always a way around everything. Aki didn't stop running until he was certain that the cops, firefighters, and the cook can't catch him.

Well, unless the cook can recall what he looks like and still talk after eating that....thing, Aki might consider turning himself in.

Nah.

"I did paid for it....by making it less pokey....and then I thanked him for letting me use the kitchen by feeding him the chicken." Aki thought about it for a moment. "He is less fortunate -" thanks to Aki's cooking, "AND you did say to make something for someone less fortunate. I was doing what you asked, Koshi."

...Well, at least, Aki wasn't lying.

"I think I'll follow a lead for a new job, there's apparently exist monsters with hordes of gold and treasure. I figured if I liberate them from such worldly things, you'll be able to save their souls and I'll get a lamborghini."

Inaba facepalmed when he had the opportunity to let go of Aki's neck.

"Not in the right order, Aki-kun. Not in the right order. And it was turkey, not chicken."

Still, good try. That should account for something right?

"Monsters are dangerous and scary Aki-kun. You could get killed. It's a nice quest to help them out with their possessions but you earning one of your own from it is just not right. How about using the treasure for feeding the poor people and housing the abandoned children? Assuming you're still able and healthy enough to reap the spoils of your quest."

Most of them heroic types die at the very end. Inaba had seen to such and aided them in their ascension to the skies. They deserved a cushy afterlife. He would like to see Aki around in the cloud kingdoms. He could show all the nice basking spots and the pretty Ygdrasil and Her sweetest fruits all ripe for picking...and teach Aki how to weave his very own cloudy hammock!!

By the time Inabaka was done daydreaming, he realised they were in a completely different place now.

"Uh...Aki-kun, where are we?"

What Aki heard was "Monsters are a nice quest. Use the treasure so you won't be poor or homeless, then you'll be able to enjoy all your life being healthy and happy."

"Okay."

And he was already on his way towards where his sources had suggested: a dark alley behind a nightclub on 6th and 66th...which should be impossible.

"Where a portal or something that is open, causing hell to overlap part of the city...so we can liberate some treasure, save some souls, and get a Ferrari."

Two words flashed through his head right then.

Oh dear.

"Ok Aki-kun, but shouldn't you tell someone first in cas-----ayayayayseeeeeee-----?!!"

Dang. Stepping through portals always made him a little sick in the stomach. The ones that led to hell was worse. Talk about inertia.

"....you wouldn't mind if I throw up, would you?"

Now everywhere smelled like that poor cupped turkey.

Aki didn't feel a thing. "Please don't puke on this shirt. I didn't have a spare..."

Priorities. Aki have them lined up sort of.

"....Ne, Koshi, do you see any treasures or monsters? I only see trash and more trash...and some ugly bouncers...and trash..."

He step around precariously to avoid getting his shoes dirty, he just got them after all!

This place was letting him down, maybe his sources lied to him?

"What if we need to be drunk to see them? I'll go get a beer....or ten."

Inaba DID see them, tons of them from big to little and even littler still than he was, about to their own business and stopping short when Aki appeared. He swallowed heavily.

Ahem don't mind us, guys...just passing through.

If Aki couldn't see them then how was he going to do anything about it?

"Maybe this is a really bad idea...I mean you didn't even bring a spare change of clothes. What about your choice of weapon? And you didn't stop by any place of holy origin to get yourself blessed. Did you even read the Quests for Dummies V.2.4? That was released two years ago!!"

Someone was going to get hurt real bad.

Aki hummed cheerfully to himself. "...What do you mean? I was planning to get wasted...I was told liquor opens the eye to the unseen. Or something like that....and if I didn't, I'll go beat up my lousy source for being lousy."

He may have read something in a folk tale of some sort.

"I don't think I need a spare change...? That seems like it'll be heavy to carry around." Someone bumped into Aki, he turned to glare before continuing his talk with Koshi. "And I don't really like guns. Or knives....and bows are for girls." He can feel the stranger's eyes on him, so he turned to stare back only to find no one there. "........And I got banned from trying to see if holy water makes people fire proof, remember?" There was movement in the corner of his eyes so he turned again. No one.

"They have books for this? I don't think I'm allowed back in the library either. Let's just get a drink and try again."

This was getting from bad to worse. Inaba smiled nervously at the few invisible imps and demons that were looking their way, instinctively clinging onto Aki's neck as he sat down on his side of the shoulder. He was running out of excuses fast.

"But Aki-kun I don't see any bars or liquor stores anywhere. It's just rubble and er…things."

True enough, aside from all that they were pretty much the only two people as far as the eye could see.

"…There's no…treasure too."

Poor Inaba kept his fingers crossed.

Better late than never, Kiyoharu stepped out of a portal to land on Aki's shoulder in a puff of smoke. He had a bit of trouble locating his favorite troublemaker. Portals got crossed in the transition. Then he heard that annoying voice...the voice of the righteous stuffed shirt.

Great.

This day had just gotten a lot worse. "Of course, there's treasure. That bum would have you give it all away to those idiots who scrub church floors and pray all day." He tugged at a strand of Aki's hair. "You don't want them spending all the treasure you're working so hard to get. Do you, Aki-kun?"

He made a tsking sound, leaning to peek around Aki's neck. Kiyoharu stuck his tongue out at Inaba. "He'd have you spend your whole life sober, celibate and...dirt poor. Why do that when we can steal our way to the top?" He really wasn't too worried about the demons lurking around.

"Treasure?"

And Aki perked right up and looked around, witnessing trash, trash, and more trash.

"I don't see treasure, Kiyo. Or monsters."

Aki turned on his heels to find the local bar. "I'm pretty sure that if I drink enough I'll see them...or trash the bar and put the tab all under the lousy informant's name."

He took a few steps nearing the limit of the portal only to feel something swish-ed by his feet. He stopped and stared at the floor.

Nothing.

"Do you guys see anything?"

God help me.

Inaba prayed silently as he saw the poof of smoke on the other side of Aki's shoulder. One glance and the angel turned worried.

"Oh my goodness have you been eating, Sir? You've become even thinner than yesterday and already then it's pretty impossible!"

He heard about this fad amongst the mortal youths these days, anorexin or something like that? Some eating disorder…? Did demons have that too? Inaba clung onto Aki's neck as he looked on to Kiyoharu.

"You really should eat, Sir, or you might faint during Aki-kun's quest. I'm not sure if we can pick you up when that happens."

Inaba stoically avoided Aki's question.

"…No, church floors don't have to be clean! It's the heart that has to be!"

That part about celibacy made poor Inabaka flush, his wings all a-flutter and his ears so red.

"There is NO treasure! So you CAN'T steal your way to the top! And for Heaven's sakes, Aki-kun, there's not a bar in sight!! You can't get drunk…and shouldn't get drunk on your own quest!!"

Flutter-flutter-flutter!

"There's treasure. I'll have to sense it for you."

He glared at Inaba when the angel started talking to him. "Yeah yeah...looks like you're starting to molt, Inabaka." Kiyoharu was certain that he'd seen a trail of feathers leading away from the angel. "How about you be a good saint and find us some food?" Maybe that would shut his mouth for awhile.

"Aki-kun, take a left. Then a right, then another right." He tilted his head, pointing in the direction opposite where they were. "Of course, we can steal our way to the top because we're smarter than this guy." He motioned toward Inaba and yawned lazily. "We can get drunk and make a ton of money at the same time. It's called raiding some rich guy's liquor cabinet."

"I can't get....drunk on my quest?"

Aki stared at Koshi with this look of absolute horror on his face. What kind of hell did he tumbled into that doesn't like him get drunk on his quest?! WHAT IS THE POINT?!

Until Kiyo's explanation made sense to Aki. He can't get drunk because there's no bar, but he just needs to steal it and then Koshi will be happy because he can get drunk on his quest. Easy, peasy.

"Ooooh. If I just got to steal it to get drunk, that's easy. See Koshi? Everything to be aaallllright."

Then he started to head where Kiyoharu was pointing. "Once I'm done, I'll treat both of yous to nuts and seeds."

What else do birds eat?

"…..No thank you, Aki-kun. But thank you anyway."

Inaba sat down on Aki's shoulder with a resigned sigh. Things were never easy with the youth and it always got tons worse when the sleepy devil showed up. He realised somewhere that he just had to do his upmost best and well…Hope for a better outcome.

"Be careful."

Pout.

Well, it seemed to be pretty empty out here. If luck would have it, maybe those liquor cabinets have been abandoned for a long time and so that wouldn't be much of stealing, would it? Inaba's messy head sank lower into his hands.

Who was he kidding?

"Aki-kun! Tell that pesky brat on your other shoulder that he could sing us something for our entertainment on this quest. Good fools are supposed to entertain the noblemen. You'll be a king when we raid the right treasure."

Kiyoharu was diligently doing everything he could to spur Aki toward the goal. "Left here. There might even be some virgins for you to deflower!" He smacked a strand of Aki's hair away before settling down against his neck. "Bird seed isn't going to be enough. We're going to be so rich that we can have filet mignon." He'd heard ritzy people liked that stuff. "Inabum can eat the snails and fish eggs."

Before long, they were standing in front of a rather dangerous looking place. "Go around back. In through the window." That sounded like the shadiest plan possible.